Over a month... Hmmm....

Well, it's been over a month since I've blogged.  Okay, over a month since I've posted a blog.  I've been having all sorts of thoughts and paragraphs floating around in my head but I just haven't bothered to put pen to paper.  Or fingers to keys, as it is.  The main reason being I haven't felt like I had anything positive I really wanted to relate and there are some things I want to say but not put on the internet.  Tack on assistant coaching a varsity high school softball team, playing on three teams myself (thankfully only on Sundays), work, Girlie's school, trying to cram as much time with my "AD"diction before he left, there just hasn't much time left to type my antics and/or musings.   And, also, I haven't FELT the necessary pull I used to when I wrote before.  Yeah, yeah, a crappy excuse.  A writer writes, no matter what.  I KNOW this.  However, when you sit at the keyboard, the cursor mockingly blinking while your brain cells scramble to latch on to something, ANYTHING, so you can write, and you still come up with nothing worthwhile, it's time to take a step back.  I have to deal with the blockers, get rid of the trash and obstacles so I can get myself back on track.  That has to do with more than just being able to write again.  

I'd love to blame the muse, who I'm sure has changed tropical islands without leaving a forwarding address, but it's not all her fault.  How can I expect someone to show on a regular basis now when she wasn't there before?  No, I can't blame the muse when there are other factors going on in my life right now that clearly overshadow her continued absence.  I'm not going to get into the underlying reasons, though I really wish I could.  However, as I said, there are just some things I don't want floating around in cyberspace.

Things with Girlie are fine.  Things with work are fine.  Things with the "AD"diction are fine, though he's been in DC for nine days and has about four more weeks to go before getting back home.  Sadly, he didn't bring his laptop with him because the hotel where he's staying wanted to charge $12 a day for internet use!!  WTH!?  So, no Skype for us.  However, we still email, text, and talk every day.  So far, I'm managing fairly well.  I'm not promising that as the weeks progress.  My co-worker has already told me if I start acting like Linda Blair in the Exorcist, she's moving her desk to the other side of the office.  LOL!  I'm not promising anything.  I would never make a good military wife, though I know I'm a strong enough person to deal with certain situations.

I just need to find my "sparkle" again.  It's almost like the enthusiasm I felt for life in general is being sucked out until there's nothing but anger, resentment, frustration simmering beneath the surface because of outside situations which so severely affect me.  It's sad.  It makes me sad.  And what's worse, it doesn't have to be that way.  However, I don't have control over other people's actions or decisions, even though I really wish I did.  It sure would alleviate a lot of stress on my part!  In the meantime, I need to continue to separate myself as much as I can from the situation and not make it my problem.  Easier said than done, especially when I see what the outcome will be.

Prayers will be continued.  Hopefully, in His infinite wisdom, He'll grant me patience and guide my actions to benefit those involved in a positive way and on His path.  It's said the faith of a mustard seed can move mountains.  I'm holding onto that belief, trusting in the power of prayer and looking forward to the day when things will once again be right in my world.  I would have said "normal" but, as you know, things are never "normal" in my world.  I just want my version of "normal" back.

I'm No Suzy Sunshine

When I first started this blog, I looked at it as an opportunity to dust off that writing part of my brain and turn out the welcome mat for my always absent muse.  I was excited about having the freedom to express myself and get back into the habit of putting words to paper.  I remember the thrill of barely keeping up with the thoughts, the seemingly never-ending enthusiasm when I first started to pay attention to the voices in my head.  I miss those days.


My intention with blogging was to share funny, amusing, possibly even inspiring little tidbits to create smiles, have a "feel good" moment, and even out-loud laughs.  I wasn't going to get personal (and I still don't plan on getting that personal; this is, after all, the internet and there are all sorts of crazy ass people out there!) or dreary or preachy or negative (which is still on the NO, list).  However, it dawned on me that life is NOT all smiles and laughs and good times, as much as I wished it otherwise.  Don't worry, I'm not going to start all of my blogs with "It was a dark and stormy night."  I realized, though, that a balance of both good and bad is a necessity in all works of life.  Why not express that in my blog?


And that's what it boils down to... this is MY blog.  I'm going to write what I want, whatever I'm feeling, whatever's on my mind.  I'm human (contrary to some opinions).  I feel a gamut of emotions.  Not that I swing from one extreme to another in a manner of minutes, nor am I moody by nature.  But I do feel.  And I feel strongly, deeply, passionately.  If you are lucky enough to be allowed past the barriers, you'll get the full blast.  And you'll also get unconditional love, loyalty, trust, friendship.  I don't allow that many past the numerous walls.  


So, I decided I wasn't going to be fair to myself if I tried to toss out jokes, anecdotes, Angisms all of the time.  No one is ever a full-time Suzy Sunshine.  As much as I love to have fun, tease, crack jokes, I can't be that way 24/7.  It's insane to think anyone could.  Not to mention tremendous pressure to keep up the pretense.  And anyone who knows me will KNOW I don't keep up appearances, don't pretend to be something I'm not.  I am who I am.  No apologies.  Granted, there are things I need to work on, improve, try to do differently and I'm aware of (most) of them.  However, with me, what you see is what you get.  You know where you stand with me, no matter what.  I like you, I don't like you.  I agree, I disagree.  I try not to be judgmental, but I also have my opinions and try to live by certain standards.  I try to do the right thing and maintain a certain morality.  Don't get me wrong.  I am in no way a saint, nor would I ever be mistaken for a nun.  However, I do have a set of rules established by myself to live my life in which I try to follow as much as I can.  


Please, don't take what I'm saying as being preachy, pious, or holier-than-thou.  I am far from perfect and will be the first to tell you when I make a mistake, which happens more often than not.  Trust me, crow doesn't taste better with salt.  :)  I am what I am, faults and all, and I accept myself.  I try to be optimistic and find the good in people and situations.  And I'll be the first to dig deep into myself to look for answers, offer a personal critique, search for reasons behind the "whys" of situations and life.  There are no pretenses with me.  Which, ironically, could be more of a closeness allowed than I first thought.  You can't get more personal than whittling away the smoke and mirrors.  I'm sharing myself in a bare bones fashion, no "man behind the curtain" pretext.  


WYSIWYG.  It doesn't get any plainer than that.  I am who I am.  Approval is not asked for, nor is it needed.  Being true to yourself, being able to look within and see the warts and all and still manage to find something to smile about, is a great thing.  No matter the seriousness of what I blog, I'll still manage to find humor in something and comment in kind.  And when I click "publish post" I'll know what I've written is as honest as I can get.  I believe what I've posted. 


Among the numerous adjectives I've been called in my life, the one I found to mean the most, the one that I feel gives the best description of who I am, is genuine.  Genuine is real.  Solid.  Honest.  It encompasses many other positive words, such as loyal, friendly, truthful, loving, giving, positive.  To me, being called genuine is the epitome of a compliment.  So I'll strive to live up to that ideal with my blogs.  You may not always get a laugh, but you will get honesty.  If nothing else, at least I'll be measuring up to my own standards.


Since this is my blog, I've decided bottom the line is I'm going to be honest.  That's usually the norm with me anyway, so why not have that in my writing?  I'm going to voice my opinions, how I feel, my thoughts and not apologize for any of them.  I wouldn't be fair to anyone, especially myself, if I tried to plaster on the Suzy Sunshine smile all the time.  However, I expect Suzy Sunshine to be present for the majority of my blogs.  After all, I'm the type of person who likes to laugh and joke and doesn't do "serious" well.  Given the option, I'll always choose laughter over tears.  :)

Tuesday Wearing a Monday Suit

I'm still learning the format for my blogging site.  Too bad I don't have more ideas to utilize a lot of the options.  Yet.  But don't worry!  *insert maniacal laugh*  I'm sure I will get post happy with pictures and links and maybe even videos.  Right now, though, the brain cells are not cooperating with various suggestions for topics, so we're just winging it.  Then again, stream of consciousness seems to be a trademark for Robin Williams.  Maybe I could borrow his muse since mine's still in the hammock on the beach.

It's been a few minutes and no great epiphany.  The light bulb is burned out.  So, instead of wonderful words of wisdom, here are some random thoughts I've had this morning when I've had time to think:

Dear Progresso Soup:  Your chicken corn chowder is extremely runny.  Worse than someone with a bad head cold.

Dear Campbells:  Although I usually enjoy your soups and the variety you offer, I can tell you I will never buy your Harvest Select some-kind-of tube-noodle-with-beans-and-carrots-and-tomatoes-and-of-course-an-over-abundance-of-nasty-celery again.  The only reason why I even choked it down today was "hangry" pains and with it being a Tuesday dressed in a Monday suit, my co-workers are stressed enough without having to worry about my stomach causing me to be like the girl from the Exorcist.

Dear Lady Who Just Called Me:  No, I really don't need to be on the phone with you for thirty minutes hearing all about the surgery you had twenty years ago, or how your grandchild likes to eat dirt, or even about your husband's bowel issues.  Especially since you called me to "get directions."

Dear 300 + lb Lady in the Elevator:  NO, wearing a mini skirt, boots and a midriff shirt does NOT make you look sexy!  Cover yourself up.  Not to mention, it's cold outside!

Dear Cold Weather:  I know you haven't been here long, and it IS January, but it's time for you to go.

Dear Beer:  Why do you have to taste so yummy and give me empty calories?

Dear House, Laundry, Dishes, etc.:  Why can't you clean yourself?

Dear Crazy Man in the Honda This Morning:  Recklessly zigzagging through rush hour traffic, sucks to be you.  Guess you shouldn't have zagged in front of that cop!

Dear Logan's Steakhouse:  When will you start delivering?

Dear Fat Sucking Fairy:  You passed my house again.

Dear Pinterest.com:  I think I might need an intervention.

Dear Karma:  Thank you!  There are, however, a couple of people you've missed.

Dear Tuesday in a Monday Suit:  I know you'll be back again.  Just in case you didn't know, you suck.

Dear Four O'Clock:  Hurry up, please.

Dear Groceries:  Please go buy yourselves and put yourselves away.

Dear Nasty Crud:  You are no longer wanted.  Please leave everyone alone.

Dear Robin Williams' Muse:  Thanks for the brief visit, even though I think it was a stand-in for his REAL muse.